does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
