do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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