it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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