Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
