Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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