Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
