I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
