OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
