a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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