i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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