i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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