I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I need to stop coming to work sober
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
