hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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