peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
