she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
