I just pynch a tree in the face
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
