glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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