Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
