Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
