bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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