hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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