my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
