i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
