Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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