I puked a lego.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
