Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Randomize
