It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
