if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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