It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
