i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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