nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
