Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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