My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
