Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
