Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
