Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
