I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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