Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
