Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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