So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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