well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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