So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
