I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
