There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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