Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
