Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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