He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
