He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
