I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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