I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize