Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
