I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
