I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize