Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
