It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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