i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
we made out on top of his cat.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
