you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
