One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
