At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
