On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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