if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize