I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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