Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
